COVID-19 Essentials: A List
By Kit-Bacon Gressitt
- Chocolate, except chocolates can be infested by meal moths and weevils prior to packaging, and imagine the horror of opening a nice bit of the stuff to find pale little larvae dancing on your comfort food. OK, Nutella it is.
- Adult beverages, an uninspired choice and one that’s prone to depressive responses. Nonetheless, a nice hot toddy can infuse unexpected entertainment value in the profoundly mundane.
- Spam, at least according to my significant other. Upon reconsideration, I take issue with this one: I have serious concerns about mushy animal product and its devastating effects on the Earth—and the animals.
- Boxing gloves, essential weapons in the TP Wars, although printed newspapers could make a comeback. Recycle and reuse!
- All the books I’ve ever pretended to have read, successfully faking it at literary events, where I gleaned I had company.
- Mayonnaise jar, sterile tubing and 50-cc. syringe. If the virus doesn’t wreak havoc on reproductive justice, the Trumpian Supreme Court will, so, like a good scout, we need to be prepared.
- Chlorine tablets, in case we have to start drinking the pool water. I mean, who knows where this is headed? And I’m certain I’m not the only one who’s peed in there.
- Satellite phone, the last hope of maintaining connection with distant loved ones when the nation’s communications infrastructure falters in a miasma of neglect and pirated services.
- Art supplies, because I’ve had a virus-induced epiphany. I followed the wrong path back in 1975: I was meant to be an artist—an artist! I’d be just as poor as I am as a lecturer, but I wouldn’t have to grade papers and I could stay up all night creating meaningful shit, so even if the virus takes us all down, there’ll be a lasting memorial to humanity and our self-extermination.
- Gun. Cuz you just can’t trust any of those damn NRA nuts. They’d shoot a person for a can of Spam, and if they come near my pool water, I’ll splatter them.
Photo credit: © K-B Gressitt 2020