The Donald Trump Apology, Annotated by Donald Trump

Because he does it better than anyone

By Kit-Bacon Gressitt


My campaign advisors said I gotta apologize for my pussy comments in that leaked Access Hollywood video, and for trying to boink a married woman—loser turned me down, even after I took her shopping. So, yeah.
I've never said I'm a perfect person, nor pretended to be someone that I'm not.

I was just showing Billy Bush what it means to be a man in America—and married pussy, safest there is. But it was years ago. Doesn’t matter what I said. Doesn’t matter if I said it yesterday. The people love me. I can get away with anything. But, yeah.

I've said and done things I regret, and the words released today on this more than a decade-old video are one of them.

Sorry I got caught, but it's an aberration. I usually keep a lid on the sex stuff when mics are around.

Anyone who knows me knows these words don't reflect who I am.

Not when I want something—that’s when I turn on my better temperament, and its huge. But my advisors are being mean to me, so I gotta do it.

I said it, I was wrong and I apologize.

So, yeah. And here's where I usurp this fake apology and kick into my stump speech, because those morons can’t tell me what to do, and I gotta couple good “in the trenches with the little people” lines here. This’ll grab voters and squeeze 'em hard.

I have traveled the country talking about change for America, but my travels have also changed me. I've spent time with grieving mothers who've lost their children, laid-off workers whose jobs have gone to other countries and people from all walks of life who just want a better future.

Damn I’m good! And here’s where I pander to those church people—just toss in the ‘f’ word here and there, a little God-bless-America crap, keeps ’em happy.

I have gotten to know the great people of our country and I've been humbled by the faith they've placed in me. I pledge to be a better man tomorrow, and will never, ever let you down.

And voters can take that to the bank, right along with this apology. They're scared so they're sucking up to a tough guy, not a weak politician. I could shoot somebody and I still wouldn’t lose voters—even their daughters, I could grab 'em all by the pussy and they'd still love me.

Let's be honest, we're living in the real world. This is nothing more than a distraction from the important issues we're facing today.

Like getting me elected. And boy this campaign stuff is amazing! So damn easy. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything, say anything, and they’ll believe it—and that makes me smart.

We are losing our jobs, we are less safe than we were eight years ago and Washington is totally broken. Hillary Clinton and her kind have run our country into the ground.

Gotta give credit where credit is due, though. The voters are so stupid, they don’t know history, they don’t know how Washington works. I know Washington better than anyone. I can blame everything on Hillary, the Democrats—even on Marla Maples and they’d believe me, and that one sure had blood coming out of her wherever. But Hillary’s in my sites now. I’d like to punch her in the face. At least I can do it with words, and I have the best words. I'm going nuclear.

I've said some foolish things, but there's a big difference between the words and actions of other people. Bill Clinton has actually abused women, and Hillary has bullied, attacked, shamed and intimidated his victims. We will discuss this more in the coming days.

Bottom line, people, I’m not quitting this race. It’s Hillary Clinton’s fault I like to grab a little pussy.

See you at the debate on Sunday.

Love, K-B .................................................. About Kit-Bacon Gressitt

Spawned by a Southern Baptist creationist and a liberal social worker, K-B inherited the requisite sense of humor to survive family dinner-table debates and the imagination to avoid them. She has an MFA in Creative Writing, with an emphasis on narrative nonfiction, and has taught Women’s Studies in the Cal State University system. Her political fiction, creative nonfiction and poetry have been published by The Missing SlateTrivia: Feminist Voices, Ms. Magazine blog, San Diego Poetry AnnualNew Moon Girl Media, San Diego Uptown NewsSan Diego Gay and Lesbian News, American University’s iVory TowerzSan Diego Free Press, and others, including on her website

Trump apology