Johnboy Blues

By John Bacon


Editor’s note: This piece mentions reproductive body parts in both clinical and crude terms. Read at your own risk.

Aren't women with penis envy those who want to walk, talk, function and compete in a man's world, but feel they can't because they have a vagina between their legs instead of a penis? If this is accurate, they should rethink their position, as women have all the power. The power of the pussy, if I may be so crude, is the strongest power in the world. Even the lowest street hooker knows this to be true. No man throughout time has ever been able to come up with a stronger mind-control drug than the sweet scent of vagina.

Start at the very beginning: I have a vivid picture in my head of Eve seductively slithering across the garden to get Adam to take a bite of the apple. She had succulent lips (not unlike the Southern Belle in "Blair and the Wacko") wrapped around the fruit. Did Adam have a chance? Please.

Lucky for men, most women don't seem to know they have this power. But if they figure it out and decide to use it, the male of the species is doomed. I picture a scene similar to the movie "Planet of the Apes," only women are the captors instead of apes. All the men are behind bars and are allowed out only for procreation or recreation (there is some thought that women have sexual desires also although studies so far have been inconclusive).

There is only one chance for males: the gay community. Heteros must rally behind the gays and use them as human shields against this weapon of mass destruction. (Bush was always looking in the wrong place: He should have been looking in women’s pants.) The heteros must allow the gays to guide us through these dangerous waters, for there is nothing more sad than a man chasing vagina and worse, thinking he is in love. The IQ of a man in love is reduced proportionally to his increasing feelings for a woman. He is literally reduced to a babbling idiot and the woman will no longer have to give up her vagina, because his love goes deeper than sex. How disgusting!

Man, I can't wait to be in love again.

All of this proves one thing: God has to be female. She looks down and laughs at the folly of men on the hunt. I keep a yellow hardhat and caution tape at the bar for when we spot a man at work. We rally around him and root for success, but deep down we know it will end badly. If you need further proof of this power, rent the movie "One Night at McCool's. I rest my case.

luv you, Johnboy